Could It Be PPD (Postpartum Depression)?


Looking back at the birth of my first child and daughter, I think I experienced postpartum depression.  At birth, I felt content but stunned, mostly because I was adjusting to a very new, disruptive schedule and learning to nurse my child.  I’d left a job I had grown tired of which wasn’t in line with my career aspirations, and the place ahead was the supposed bliss I wanted.  I’d be a mother to this little being and any others that followed.  I’d meet other moms who’d become friends, help my daughter make friends herself and schedule playdates and plan birthday parties.  She’d learn her alphabet, colors and numbers.  I’d dress her in pretty clothes and beam at the results, kissing her rosy cheeks and stroking her smooth platinum hair.  So ready was I to become a mom and leave my current lifestyle as a working woman.

What I didn’t consider in those months, patting my growing belly and imagining what my daughter E would look like and what personality would emerge, were the highs and lows of hormones and bodily changes.  I didn’t realize how much caring for another would deplete me.  And I didn’t detect the subtle signs of postpartum depression – no matter how slight.  They were so subtle that I couldn’t connect the dots to the disorder, and it never occurred to me that I was even suffering.

You see, I didn’t endure overwhelming depression, crazy mood swings, crying jags or suicidal thoughts.  Once I acclimated to the new daily schedule, I covered all my daughter’s needs with aplomb.  But I felt like I was going through the motions of laundering her tiny clothes and ensuring she stayed comfortable.  When she was hungry, I fed her; when it was time for a change, I diapered her.  As always, I read books and magazines; I watched TV; I ate foods I liked.  I simply adored and loved baby E but something was missing.

I mustered no enthusiasm or will to leave the house and take the baby out.  Recently, we’d moved to a new, unfamiliar neighborhood where we knew no one and hadn’t met any of the neighbors who milled about minding their own business.  I wasn’t familiar with any local kid-friendly spots and/or parks, either.  Everything seemed so faraway and required the use of a car — so different from the park and library within walking distance of my childhood home.

I only left the house when my husband was home and could bring me somewhere.  For some reason, I just couldn’t bring myself to plop in the car and complete an errand!  It wasn’t that I didn’t drive or couldn’t.  I drove over an hour one-way to work, survived a year’s worth of long distance romance and traveled 3 ½ hours by myself to college.  I owned my own car which held a properly tethered car seat.  I never worried about the harmful germs that could infect my daughter in the outside world.  No visible problem existed to prevent me from leaving the house.  If I left, maybe it would release me from my mysterious funk.  Although I dressed the baby daily, sometimes more than once if necessary, I rarely packed the diaper bag, driving the car to points unknown.  I spent long days cooped up in my stuffy house, taking care of E, reading, finishing laundry and light cleaning, and listening to the radio.  Functioning but not living.

At the time, I couldn’t fathom that my lack of motivation and agoraphobia could be linked to any postpartum depression.  Since that time, after reading other mothers’ harrowing accounts and hearing stories from friends, maybe, to a small degree, I had postpartum depression.  I wasn’t especially tired or still transitioning to a new environment, so could it be PPD?

My daughter is turning 12, and only in the past few years have I drawn this conclusion. Unfortunately, due to the mild nature of my bout, I don’t know if it warranted an intervention or even a discussion.      Hearing other moms’ stories about how debilitating and monstrous their symptoms, how dare I complain?  I made a daily effort, but I couldn’t leave the house without assistance, accompaniment or encouragement.  No strides were made by me to find a moms’ support group or any other means of occupying our time outside the house.   And I wonder how many moms experience the same thing and because they don’t have overwhelmingly violent or abrupt symptoms may think their malaise is nothing other than normal parenting woes?

This is an original post for JerseyMomsBlog by M.B. Sanok based on her personal experience. Read a little more about symptoms of Postpartum Depression. Contact your health professional if your symptoms are severe. 

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  1.' says

    Hi! thank you for this article! Love it! I too suffered from Postpartum Depression and I am actually organizing a walk and raising money for a non-profit organization Postpartum Progress. On June 21st at Doorbrook Park (@11am, meeting by the tennis courts). I will be walking with a group to help raise awareness for PPD and to erase the stigma of hiding mental illness. Please join us! We would love to have you!

  2.' says

    What a wonderful article and so needed. You are so right on the money. Postpartum Depression comes in so many varieties and strikes every woman in it’s own special way. I have both a support group for new moms and a support group for PPD moms here at Monmouth Medical Center – and some moms go to both groups. For the simple reason, that the feel just like you did. Not really sure where they belong. These moms are often able to get along and do all their daily tasks of mothering, but the enjoyment, the vitality, the energy you thought would be there – just isn’t. It’s nothing huge and profound like you may be lucky enough to be aware of, you just feel less sparkly than your expected. That is why it is so important that moms, nurses, hospital, doctors, pediatricians – everyone – gets the word out. Education is the only way we will help all new moms to know what may be go on, and let all new moms know where to get help. No matter what the level of help is. Postpartum Progress is an amazing non-profit organization that does just that and has helped thousands of women. We will be walking this year to increase awareness and education – please come join us, help us get the word out. Help us help moms just like you. This is the link to postpartum progress and to our walk on Saturday, June 28th in Thompson Park, Lincroft.

    • MB says

      I really appreciate it. I hesitated to write it because my symptoms were not severe at all, and I didn’t want to discount those moms who are overwhelmingly debilitated by it. And, you know, the hospital where I gave birth had a group for PPD and new mothers, and I found the sheet detailing the information a year and a half after my daughter was born — I wish I’d found it sooner.

      Thanks so much! I can spread the word if you like.

      •' says

        First of all – I am sooo happy the hospital had a group for PPD! woohoo! and then I feel sad because you found it too late :( – with the money we are raising wouldn’t if be wonderful if we had some lovely phone follow up programs after delivery? oh yes it would, Just a little check in, someone to ask how you really are? Please don’t discount yourself because your feelings were not “severe at all” – your feelings were real and true and disabling enough for you. Any amount of suffering and isolation and self doubt is too much, don’t you think? Please spread the word – and would love to see you that day if you have nothing to do – come meet many mama’s who look and sound just like you. thanks so much.

        • MB says

          Thank you so much again! I’m all about supporting other moms because every mom needs a good mom friend! Good luck with the fundraiser, and I will definitely spread the word.

  3. jerseymomsblog says

    I think there are many possible symptoms of Postpartum depression. The most important thing is to seek help from a medical professional if there is cause for concern. Well wishes.


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