My Spouse Said No

When I first started dating my husband, I could not get enough of him.  Weekends were absolutely sacred between us since we were traveling long distance to visit each other.  Making plans never involved one of us – we always shared plans and spent each night on the phone.  No one else seemed more important.

I’ll never forget one weekend my then-boyfriend had to work the third shift which meant an overnight stint.  At the time, we both lived with our parents, so we also spent time getting acquainted with each others’ families and adjusting to their household personalities and lifestyles.

Well, B had to work Saturday night into Sunday, so I chose to leave Saturday afternoon.  Even though we’d only been dating four months, he was unhappy, almost annoyed, that I wouldn’t stay at his house despite the fact that he wouldn’t even be home.  After 15 years together, he still mentions it, telling me I should have stayed.

Of course, now we live together and see each other every night and on weekends.  We speak at least once daily.  He’s my best friend, but now I don’t feel like I must spend every waking moment in his presence.  I like seeing my own friends and spending time with my kids solo.  Occasionally, I’ll pop out of the house to do an errand and leave everyone else at home.  I look forward to uncluttered, quiet weekday mornings and dark, silent nights spent by myself.

But I do admit, I sometimes use my husband as an excuse to avoid something I don’t want to do or if I’m too tired or just don’t feel like it and want to bail on another activity.  In fact, I even blame him or claim I need to ask his advice first or for “permission” when buying something or going somewhere.  And he does the same.  Sure, I do have to coordinate my schedule with his, but, for the most part, he’s flexible about me going out with friends or to an appointment.  I usually tell him I’m doing whatever it is I’m doing.  Rarely, do my plans interfere with his or encompass anything crazy enough to test our marital boundaries.  Sometimes, though, he’s a wonderful, readily available excuse.

Maybe you assume I’m rude or just cowardly for declining an invitation or canceling plans and using B as an excuse.  I’m not trying to be devious or feeling apprehensive about someone’s reaction (well…maybe?) – I simply don’t want to alienate, reject or insult people I really like and risk not receiving a future invitation.  In the case of purchasing a service or product I don’t really want or need, it’s just easier to defer to B and claim that he refuses to put forth the money.  I suppose I don’t want an unnecessary confrontation that could lead to hurt or angry feelings, and I don’t need any sales pressure, either.

From casually speaking to friends and family members, including my own mother, they also acknowledge that they use their significant others as an excuse for not participating in an activity or purchasing something.  Once I asked my mom if she thought it would be okay if I told someone that my husband wouldn’t let me go somewhere despite the truth.  She nonchalantly told me she’d done this herself when she was married.  Considering my mom always expostulated on proper etiquette during our childhood, I assumed she wouldn’t approve of my new method of RSVPing and instruct me on the proper way to decline.  Just another adult secret about partnership and/or marriage that I’ve discovered.

Revealing this relationship secret was not to divulge that every time I excuse myself from an event I’m lying.  Truthfully, I’d love to be more social than I am.  However, I was curious to find out if other people employ the same tactics in bowing out of a situation or activity.  In every relationship, there is a measure of control and give-and-take.  You’re not fully independent of your coupling — your significant other still influences what you do and how you navigate through your life.  But, the question is, does your beloved stand in as another reason not to attend a party or invest in an expensive service or product?

This is an original post for Jersey Moms Blog.