For as long as I can remember, I’ve loved having a varied group of people around me. In fact, I’ve been called a “social butterfly” on more than one occasion since I was a little girl and, while this quality has been an asset in so many situations over the past couple of decades, I have realized since moving to New Jersey that it’s not as easy to make friends as an adult when you have to begin anew.
I was moving to a place where I knew not one soul (other than my parents), so, before I even arrived in the Garden State, I researched mom groups and other groups of interest where I might be able to regularly take part and meet other women. After a time, I convinced myself that it wouldn’t hurt to meet a few men along the way, too. It wouldn’t have to be anything serious, right? So, I took to a couple of dating sites with nothing to be expected. Just “getting out and meeting people.”
What I found was this: it is so much harder to make friends as an adult than you might think. Sure, I’d heard about the complexities before, but never thought that I would have any trouble. After all, making friends was second nature to me! I don’t know if it’s my personality or the culture I’ve come to live in, but I do believe I’ve lost my friend-making mojo. In a state where people value the unwritten rule of “mind your business”, how does ANYONE meet ANYBODY here?
In her article 21 Ways to Make Friends, author Susan Miller offers a sort of checklist to stay on cue, which include:
- Be approachable. CHECK. I am most DEFINITELY approachable.
- Take the opportunities given to you. Hmmm… I had a younger co-worker ask me to go out to a club with her, but I’m too old, and it’s not my thing. Does this mean I didn’t take the opportunity given to me? I told her I’d do karaoke with her anytime, though.
- Be yourself. CHECK. I strive to be myself in everything I do, but also stay open.
- Be a good listener. CHECK. I think there are days where I can be completely overwhelmed with my drama, but I do my best 99% of the time to be a good listener.
- Put on a happy face and smile. CHECK.
- Find a church. CHECK. If only I wasn’t one of the youngest adults in the congregation, I’d be all set!
If I can sign-off on all these things that people normally do, where are all the like-minded people in my age-bracket? I don’t feel like I fit in with my neighbors, who are mostly married, and I don’t feel like I fit in with my church family, who I see as pious for the most part. I guess the only place I feel comfortable at this point is with my blogger friends… and I’ve never really had any interaction with them except online.
That’s it… I think it’s this whole “digital age” thing that’s messing with my friend-making mojo. Okay, fine.. it could be because I’m too country for these parts. Whatever it is, I’m stuck. Do you have any ideas on what else I can do to resolve my issue? I’d be glad to hear them. After all, I’m completely lost without my friend-making mojo.
This is an original post to JerseyMomsBlog by Desiree Allen.
I have realized this too. I used to have a ton of friends and after moving to Jersey and becoming a stay at home mom, not so more and I try adhere to the check list above too. And getting moms to go on playdates…too funny, it’s like a first date with the proper approach, getting the phone neumber, UGH! Too much pressue!, what happened to the good ol days, where making friends was so easy? lol! Hang in there!
Thanks for the thoughtful post, Desiree. You’re definitely not alone! I’ve been in my ‘new’ town for 3 yrs now and still find it baffling that I’ve made many acquaintances but really no deep friendships. I’m grateful I still have many dear friends in my life, but they’re all so physically far away. Wish I knew the answer to this puzzle!! I just stumbled across this blog on the topic that you might like: http://mwfseekingbff.com. Hope you hit the best friend jackpot soon!
I think we all need to go out for drinks because I totally get this!! Lots of casual friends since moving, but so far no “girls” to call on a whim to shop or have coffee with.;)
Thanks for the support, girls! It’s so true that trying to make friends is like dating. How stupid, tho!
I agree with you, Cristie, that we all should gather for drinks… and, Deanna, thanks so much for the blog link — it’s ab fab.
Yes, we will plan to get together soon! We need to meet all you great JerseyMoms Bloggers!
I know the one place I have met good friends is through the MOMS Club. Check out their site, http://www.momsclub.org
Maybe they have one in your town. It is not a kids club, so your kids don’t have to be a certain age to join.
I have been involved with them (president twice and state support person twice) for 5 and 1/2 years. It always ends up being a great group of women.
I have to admit though, I do want to go dancing/clubbing!!!
After 7 years of living in the DC area, I returned to NJ, 40 minutes from where I grew up after having my daughter. I’ve been here 2 and 1/2 years and found friends through classes I took my daughter to in the parks system and habitually going to story time at my local library. Those places are worth trying, but could be hit or miss. I think Brenda is right on with the MOMS club. Joining a weekly playgroup through the club, and attending the MOMS nights outs are definitely worth a try! In the meantime you’ve got us in the blogosphere…yes, let’s all get together.
I like to karaoke, too. 
And, your article was great. I’m sure there are a lot of moms feeling the same way that can relate!
Brenda, I’ve looked at the MOMS Club before and it just doesn’t “fit” me right now. I work full time outside of the home and this club is for SAHMs.
Veronica, if you ever need a karaoke fix, I’m your gal… been trying to find the best place to do that!
Desiree, I almost missed your post! I have to find a place…I haven’t karaoked in a while!
I wrote a post about my sad attempts to find “mom” friends not that long ago. 8-Pound Preemie: My Imaginary Mom-Friends
It’s tough, but church was definitely what ended up working for me.